One of the things I find most fascinating as a wellness practitioner is the patterns I can’t help but notice in our collective process. There are patterns that exist within the seasons, moon phases, and celestial bodies that seem to weave with each of our stories. The details are often different, but the themes are so often congruous. Recognizing this can bring a settledness within our own process, as we recognize that we are all essentially in this together. This also helps us to take our challenges less personally, and hopefully view the opportunities to heal and evolve with more curiosity as opposed to judgement or despair.
The theme that has bubbled to the surface within my own story and that of so many of my patients and community is this concept of the MARTYR. And more specifically, how this previously revered trait is just no longer serving the individual nor collective wellbeing.
We historically held the Martyr on a grand pedestal. The idea that someone selflessly gives of themselves for another, whether that be another person or a cause, can feel like the pinnacle of human GIVINGNESS. When we look closer at those classic Martyrs in the history books; such as Joan of Arc, or even Jesus, it appears that the grand sacrifice was their earthly life; their entire physical existence. And often while not as extreme, this is how the Martyr operates: sacrificing one’s wellness, physical, emotional, and/or energetic for something outside of oneself.
Take a moment to pause and feel into YOUR relationship with Sacrifice. What do you feel about this concept, how does it sit within you, both the parts that perhaps admire and the parts that perhaps feel “sticky”?
The places I see this within the present are often contained within the roles of Mother/Parent, Partner, Activist, and Healer. Anytime where we feel we sacrifice or choose another’s needs over ours CAN be related to the tendrils of the Martyr complex that exist within our subconscious. There is subtly here. For one can do the same exact action, and depending on the mindset and energy with which we approach said responsibility, it can be a sacrifice, or simply a part of our agreed upon role in a balanced community/family.
How do you feel about your responsibilities? What in your life feels overwhelming? What in your life do you wish you could change?
Seeking Balance
For me a huge piece that I am working on is the concept of Balance. Balance between being a mother, a doctor/working woman and human that needs certain things to feel well. I am, for now a solo parent and provider for my small child. It is in many ways all on me. And even for those people who perhaps aren’t in this situation, there are many ways in which it can feel “ALL ON ME”. Sit with this for a moment and write down perhaps in what ways this resonates.
When I broke the experience, I was able to see how this way of perceiving and experiencing my life was agreeing to the Victim role. For I know, from that higher self, higher heart, ancient self knowing, that it is ALL CHOICE. I made the choice to leave a relationship that I felt was akin to being aboard a sinking ship. I made the choice when I felt ready to move out of my family home so that my daughter and I could blossom into our unique and rather alternative LIFESTYLE. I chose to take on the responsibility of all my expenses, rent, school etc etc. It was my choice to become a mother. My Choice. My Choice. My Choice. No victim here.
There were many layers to move through on the journey from Victim to Queen, and things in encountered along the journey that needed to be felt and honored were OVERWHELM/EXHAUSTION, ANGER, and GRIEF. I processed anger both towards other characters in the story as well as at a society that is not supportive of families and mothers. I even realized how some of my own programs about being a good mother were sacrificial in nature and setting me up for being depleted.
What I also feel is important to share is that the heart sometimes takes longer than the mind on the path from where one has been to where one desires to be. I had to give myself time to move through the various emotional spaces in order to fully step into a different mindset and approach.
Here are some questions to consider when assessing your own relationship to Sacrifice & Martyrdom:
Are there aspects of your life where you feel like you don’t have a choice?
Are there sacrifices you make for something that you want? Perhaps for relationship, or child, or work?
In what ways might you reorient and start to perceive these responsibilities as your choice, and adjust your habits and mindset so that they are no longer a burden?
In what ways do you not “live up” to your ideals? Are you a victim to your own ideas (inherited or otherwise) around what it is to be a good person, a good parent, a good employee, etc? And in that vein, where does this definition/concept come from?
Compassion with self is essential. AND I fully acknowledge that we as humans in today’s world, many of us really do have more TO DO than is ideal, and some of this is the result of a capitalistic productivity oriented society. And yet SELF CARE can often mean taking a look at our operating programs and asking if they truly serve us and our families and communities.
Deconstructing the Martyr Basics:
- Release the idea that we don’t have choice in our lives. I invite you to consider that we always have a choice, and while sometimes the alternative is a huge no, there is still always an alternative.
- Release and/or reevaluate the idea that it is “honorable” to sacrifice oneself for another.
- Redefine what Altruism and Selflessness mean to you, particularly if you tend to hold these traits on a pedestal.
- Notice what areas we are “falling short” and assess if these ideals are actually loving and necessary or if they are a result of programming from the outside (family, media, etc).
- Reorient our relationship to our responsibilities, seeing them as blessings rather than a burden and on this note, being mindful when approaching our tasks. Also reorienting any ideas that our to do’s come before ourselves.
- Evaluate how you can still be a giving, heart centered being WITHOUT sacrificing your own wellbeing and needs. What might this look like?
- Accept that we choose to incarnate at this time, we choose the circumstances for our soul to experience to support our SOUL development and growth.
So what do we choose instead? That is up to you to decide. For me, the concept of archetypes serves as a useful framework. So for me, I am working on embodying the Queen. That aspect is both well supported, asks for what she needs, takes care of herself AND is loving, present and shows up to her responsibilities with honor, gratitude and confidence.
I choose what I want to feel and go from there: PEACEFUL, STABLE, SUPPORTED, PROSPEROUS, GRATEFUL, CONNECTED, WHOLE.
What do you wish to feel?
Check out the Webinar 8 & 9 (A Practice in Cultivating Peace and Introduction to Stone and Crystal Medicine ) for practices that can support releasing the subconscious programs and rewriting mindset.
Blessings and Happy Healing!